Avoidance in Anger

Levi July 2010 (I think)

So I've been avoiding this post because I'm still angry. Levi, after you were born I had felt the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. I was hospitalized for a week, then unable to walk for a couple weeks, then in a walker for a couple weeks. To this day, I still have pain in my hips now and then and need to take it easy. With my frustration, I failed at a lot of things. I didn't take many pictures of you. I missed your picture of the day you went home. I never took a picture of your crib set up for you. I haven't even started your baby book. (I have very few things even written down about your growth progress and just everyday life.) I am so sorry. I was suffering from depression for a little while. I was so motivated to start working our 6 weeks to the day after you were born, and be awesome at the baby book and taking pictures. I was ready to get my life balanced with you and be back on track. Well, love, you're about 10 months old and I am just gaining back my emotional and mental strength. I am going to do my best to collect pictures and finish your scrap book up to current by the time your first birthday rolls around. I know that you started crawling at 5 1/2 months old. You could sit up by 6 1/2 months old. You played peek a boo at 7 months. You have been off and on for sleeping through the night since birth. You used to love the pacifier, then you quit taking it one day around 4 months. You can't handle loud noises. You freak out if people are yelling at each other or chearing for the sports game. You pulled yourself up to walk at about 7 1/2 months. You got your first tooth November 24th, the second November 25th, the third and fourth teeth on December 5th. Your brothers swear you have spoken saying Ma Ma, Da Da, Elijah, Jacob, and Hi. You said Da Da January 5th and Ma Ma January 11th. You just started to understand when I reference things like Dino(Dinosaur learn to walk toy), Food, Ba Ba or Mama Dean(mama's milk), Da Da, and brothers. I did get a picture of your first times sitting up on your own and pulling up to stand on my phone.

Levi Barely holding yourself up September 2010

Levi October 2010

Levi First time pulling yourself up to walk November 2010

Levi in Patty's Horsey bouncer August 2010

Levi Asleep at the Stimmel's house November 3rd, 2010

The Light... It IS at the end of the tunnel right?

It's funny how we think of life sometimes. It was so nice spending time with friends tonight. We decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love together. Well, the idea was to read the book then talk about it, eat dinner, and watch the movie. Most of us skipped the book entirely and just watched the movie and boy did we talk. It was still enlightening. Eat, Pray, Love wasn't my favorite book, or movie for that matter, but we all had a nice night. Getting together with these beautiful ladies engaging in uplifting conversation helped me to remember a few things. First and foremost was that I need to be able to be more internally spiritual. Second is that life happens. Lastly, that we all can choose to be happy in any situation.

I have been dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's when it comes to religion, but I haven't been reading between the lines. I guess I feel like I've focused so much on showing my children how to pray, that I've almost forgotten how. I go through the motions but my mind is rushing about what to say to teach or who needs to do what after the prayer. I'm saying the words but not truly madly deeply from my heart and soul. My new goal is to be absolutely a teacher by example. I will pray on my knees, humbly before my Heavenly Father and choose to be completely involved.

Life happens. It is the only way to explain hardship without adding a why. The word happens may not even be the proper term because happens means: to come to pass by chance; occur without apparent reason or design Okay, now I'm convinced it's not the right word. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. He includes the hardships we face in life, in that plan. Life is just a step in the Plan of Salvation. Of course! Life doesn't just HAPPEN, life is a STEPPING STONE.

A wise young mother once told me (Okay it was Leah Stimmel and she said it just tonight.) that people can choose to be happy in a miserable situation, or they can choose to be miserable in a happy situation. The problem that I always have is that I forget. I forget that even that takes a lot of work. We need to find what makes us happy and enjoy, find what makes us upset and figure out how to deal with it, spend time with our children, and remember to always know our spouses. We can create our happiness in a proactive way instead of waiting for happiness to just fall in our laps.

I think what I realized were some steps to finding myself again. I am very happy, but sometimes I lose sight of things and don't allow my life to balance. I don't need to leave my children, divorce my husband, or travel abroad to find myself. I love the way I feel when I am fully engaged in what I am doing, so I need to remember what I love to do and what I am passionate about. I love the way I feel when I dance, create art, and sing. I just need to bring more things that I love into the LIFE that I love.

Moving, Mount St. Helens & Friends

When we moved back from Hawaii we were so excited to be back to the mainland. Shane organized and purchased an amazing graduation present going on a trip to Disneyworld. He had his sister Jessica and Grandmama watching all three of the kids and we met Leah and Taylor in Florida but that's a whole other story. We thought we were solid in saving up 4 months of bills and staying with relatives until he got a job and we had a place to live. The money was gone after 3 months and Shane didn't get a job for 6 months. It was a struggle, but we made it through. In November of 2008, Shane landed a job working for Vestas travelling around troubleshooting and repairing wind turbines. He was gone for 6 weeks and home for 8 days. The money was good and the benefits were amazing! So, after a long long time of being apart, Shane got a more stationary position with his same company. It was a huge pay cut, but we wanted to be together so badly. He started working in their Portland office in February 2010. We waited to move because the baby was due and we wanted to keep Elijah in the same school for an entire year in stead of having him moved again. So, Shane was travelling four days in Vancouver, WA then 3 days in Olympia until June. It was sad to move away from family and close friends, but I am so grateful to be together. The children are much happier and so are Shane and I.
One day we decided to go to Mount St. Helen's. It was a long drive, but it was fun to visit the visitors center and see the volcano. The boys loved it! We ate lunch out in the car and a squirrel ran up and was swiping our cherry seeds. It was cute.

One major benefit of moving to Vancouver, WA was moving near the Stimmel's. They were one of our best friends over in Hawaii and Taylor got into a chiropractic school down here. It was a mere coincidence, but we were so excited to be near such good friends. Unless our kids are sick, we see each other weekly. We do miss all of our Olympia friends and especially our Hawaii crew now that we are all spread out across the United States!

Jenn's 30th Birthday

This is Jenn. She is one of my sisters and the sister that I have known the longest. For all who know my family, you understand what I mean. She has gorgeous eyes and a beautiful singing voice. She has always been there for me. She had just moved to Chicago when her 30th Birthday had come. She didn't know anyone there and was basically trapped. I just felt so bad that she wasn't going to have a big bash for her 30th birthday. I was being all sappy to Shane and telling him how much I wished I could spend it with her, then he gone and done it again. He bought me a plane ticket (with built up airline miles but still). For those of you that know Shane, you also know that he is amazing to me. He has given the go ahead many times. Anything I've wanted to do, he has helped make it happen. This trip was amazing! Jenn picked Levi and I up and we got Red Robin and went back to her house. We stayed up, ate food, cooked together, and had lots of fun time to talk. While we were in Chicago, Jenn and I went and saw Eclipse. So, we couldn't control the laughter because there was dust on the film that made it look like Bella and Edward has pimples or moles on their faces. Bella was a victim of the Cindy Crawford mole! It was too funny, so we let the manager know and he refunded our money! Unbelievable! We were so excited. We went into town and had fun at the Aquarium, took a water taxi, and enjoyed a really really long walk. Okay, you don't understand, it was a really really long walk, but I loved it anyways. Jenn kept apologizing, but I just laughed. We really enjoyed our time. My favorite part was when 'Dick' (Jenn's GPS) got us turned around and lost driving through the never ending 'Projects'. It's funny now, but it was a little.... okay okay a lot bit scary when we had to get gas in the middle of the projects. HA! It was totally worth it to visit Jenn for her birthday, and indulge in a fantastic dessert platter together.

This guy just had to be put it here! Okay, so he was a sun burnt man that just LOVED his job. And by Loved I mean.... HATED! lol I'm sorry bud, but you made the scrapbook too!

The pain

The pain started so mellow. It wasn't so bad. It was so uncomfortable, but there was no time to worry about it. A new baby boy was so precious in my arms. It hurt to lay down. Pain. Pain in my hips. I can deal with it. Things need to get done. I hold a sweet baby. More pain. I feed the calm soothing baby while trying to fight minor complaints slipping from my lips. Standing up, sitting down, laying down, walking... no position can escape it. I took pills to stop the pain, to numb the pain, to eliminate the pain. No escape. It hurts even worse now. I can't stand on my own. I feel so helpless and frustrated. Call someone. A doctor. Please find a doctor. I can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes. I need to get help. Please stop the pain. It's like someone staked down my legs at the hips with thick daggers. From the surface, through the flesh and muscle of my hips coming through the back of my legs. Please... please stop the pain. My throat begins to feel tight and I can't stop the wimpering, then crying, then wailing, and now screaming! PLEASE! I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN! I feel like I'm losing. My body hurts. I have no control. I need a doctor! It hurts so bad! We get there and through the moving from chair, to chair, to car, to bed. The pain is worse. The daggers are twisting and turning. It feels like my bones are splintering. KILL THE PAIN PLEASE!!!! Oh.... It might be over soon. The heavier drugs are working. YES! Resting for just a moment. What is that?!? No! NO! No, no, no. Please. I don't want to feel that pain again. NO! The pain is starting again. The drugs wearing off. NO! No, please. I can't lose. Let me beat the PAIN! NOOO! It hurts. Tears are flying from my eyes like birds diving, skimming the contours of my cheeks. The screams rip apart my lips. I can't stop it. I hurt. I'm losing! I have no control! Helpless. I hate that feeling of being helpless. Needing to be carried to and from the bathroom. Sponge baths in bed. It's humiliating. It's embarassing. I felt so defeated. Unable to turn at the waist or sit up on my own. I am so grateful that my husband was my support, my nurse, and my protector throughout the entire ordeal. I was able to depend on so many people. Thank you Mom, Dad, Patty, Jess, Kristel, Jessica, and Chris for everything. Thank you those who visited me. Thank you those who supported me. Thank you Shane. I love you.

Levi's Blessing

The first Sunday in June little Levi received his name and a blessing. It was nice to have so much family and friends there! My sister Jenn made Levi's blessing outfit for us. She made Elijah's sealing outfit, Seth's blessing outfit, and Jacob's blessing outfit out of my wedding dress. There was not enough of my dress left for Levi, but she still made his blessing outfit for us too! Thanks Jenn and all who came back to our house for the BBQ after church!

Seaside and Santa

As a surprise for me Shane got us a weekend at Seaside, OR for Mother's Day. It was so nice! We stayed in a Condo style hotel called Rivertide Suites that had two bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, and two bathrooms. It was nice to be away together. It was nice that we were in a comfortable place with just our family. We are so thankful for all the support that our families had given us the past couple years. We stayed with Shane's dad, then Matt and Patty, then at my parents home. It was fun but cold. We couldn't keep the boys out of the water. I was freezing and Levi just stayed in the front pack the entire time we were at the beach. We walked the beach, walked around town, and ate at such delicious places. Our favorite food was Pig 'N Pancakes. The kids loved it and the price was right. Shane and I tried shark tacos at Taco Shark for the first time. We had a fish taco trio, salmon, halibut, and shark was by far the best!

I loved seaside, but it will be funner the next time we go. If we go just the two of us, then we will plan a couple hikes, eat out at a couple places, visit all the shops and art displays, and just enjoy being together at a nice hotel. If we take the family, then we will cook most of our meals, but a couple kites for kite flying, go ride the carousel a few times, and definitely go to Pig 'N Pancakes again. It's hard to go to stores with the kids, and since we ate out a lot we had no money to buy kites or go on the carousel. One evening, Shane let me go out for an hour to walk around the shops by myself and that was a nice break. Thanks, my love, for that.

Oh, we tried a deep fried snickers. Ummm, not impressed. Neither of us would have it again. We did love the old school candies you could buy at the many popcorn and candy shops. I am a candy-a-holic, so I was in heaven.

One of my highlights for the trip was seeing Santa Clause on vacation too! Shane will tell you if I see people in the world that make me smile, I just have to take pictures of them! I know I have quite a few random people in my photo gallery just because they were as perfect as this guy!

Before and After... Levi's Birth

First I want to say thank you so much to Debbi and Patty for planning and throwing a wonderful baby shower. Thanks Dad for watching all the kids. Thank you Jammi for making delicious foods and thank you friends and family for all the wonderful gifts and celebrating with us. The theme of the baby shower was a little brown monkey with the colors bright green. baby blue, and brown. The party was fun and I am so grateful for all of the love and support from all of my friends and family from that point forward.

This is baby belly a couple days before birth.

This is Levi's debut as a Boyd boy. All the brothers love our new addition!

Easter 2010

My favorite part about Easter was that I was out of the hospital! I was still low functioning because I couldn't walk without a walker and ever with a walker I could only walk a short distance. I got an ergo carrier from my mother in law which has been amazing! I was helped outside and sat in a chair while I watched Shane and the boys fly a kite, coloring eggs, and an easter egg hunt. We had fun being visited by Jessica, Jessi, Debbi and Shelbi.

We spent a little time at Uncle Bill and Wendy's so see my Grandmother and lots of other relatives. It was fun but tiring too.

Seth's Birthday Date with Dad

Seth went out on his birthday date with dad this year. The soonest we could arrange it was yesterday. First they stopped off at Wind Up Here... (the toy store downtown) to get his free little gift for coloring their birthday postcard, then they headed over to red robin, then made the stop at Toys R' Us to spend his birthday money. He had so much fun with Shane and ended up buying a Ben 10 Combined Alien kit, a silver Lego star wars guy, a new bakugan, and a bionicle for himself. The cute thing was he bought Jacob a Diego toy and Elijah a Lego Star Wars set.

Happy 5th Birthday Seth!!!

Seth had a blast on his birthday! The day started out with his choice of breakfast. I offered to make him french toast, bacon and eggs, or pancakes, and he was so excited to pick whatever he wanted. His response, "ummm... I pick oatmeal... and... yogurt... and... cup of noodles!" Really Seth?!? We have oatmeal and yogurt every other day so I thought for sure he'd pick something different in the morning. Sure enough that's exactly what he ate. Elijah just couldn't believe he didn't pick any of the yummy sweet options that we have maybe once a month. The boys had a primary activity in the morning making hygiene kits for people in Haiti. Seth was just too excited that a primary activity was on his birthday. So, after breakfast we went and all three boys got hair cuts before going to the primary activity. The activity was a success. They passed their goal of making 100 kits and actually got 120 kits together with left over supplies for more to be made. After the activity we rushed home to get ready for guests to arrive. Shane picked up pizza and as people came we set them up at the table to do the art project. Seth had banks for everyone to paint. He had cars, piggy banks, and robots to choose from. The activity was fun, but I wish it was nice enough to have the party outside. I spent more time cleaning up paint off my table, chairs, and carpet then I did setting up the party in the morning.

Seth's cake choice was fun! Okay, so it was a huge challenge to frost, but I think it turned out okay. He picked a white dinosaur cake frosted with red butter cream frosting. He loved the way it turned out, even though I think it looks more like a red godzilla. The cake baked perfectly, but there were soo many crumbs after cutting and piecing the shapes together, that I had to use a lot of frosting and it took a lot of time. I had to clean all the crumbs off after frosting each inch around the edges. I used purple frosting to outline the form of the Dino. Then I cut sour candy strips for the grass and texture and good and plenty's for the claws, eye, and teeth. I also made homemade ice cream which is my favorite part about birthday parties these days. Seth made an announcement that he has to make a wish and took about four times to blow out the candles. He was so adorable!

He celebrated with his friends from church, Jason, Teancum, Xavier, Mary, Rosie, and lots more family. The party was a blast and it was so nice Shane was able to come. He drove straight after working in Portland that night with his new job. Needless to say he lost a ton of sleep over the weekend.

Here are the boys just finishing at the primary activity. Elijah was the most helpful big brother. He made sure everyone at the party was taken care of.

Eli's Birthday Party

Okay, here is the cake I made! I know this is about Eli's party, but let me glorify myself for just a bit. Friday night I made homemade ice cream, thanks to Jessica Boyd for giving the ice cream maker to the boys for Christmas. I made homemade butter cream frosting and a homemade yellow cake. I was so proud of myself because it looked pretty good, but it tasted even better. Shane is the master of cake baking in this house, so it was nice for mine to turn out just as good as his would have. The cake is an Alien UFO! I baked in a 9 inch round pan and a 2 quart Pyrex bowl, then cut a definite edge around the bowl cake and put it on top of the 9 inch round cake. I frosted the cake with orange and white frosting and decorated with red decorative gel, good and plenty, black licorice, gumballs, and peanut butter M&M's. I was lucky to find Aliens. These ones came out of a board game that is similar to the fishing game. It spins around, the aliens go up and down, and you have to try and grab them with a little grabber hanging from a pole. It's $10 at Target and I was super excited because they are the Aliens from Toy Story. "You have saved our lives! We are eternally grateful!"

Elijah had a great time with his friends and family. He was excited about every present he received, and he scored $90 from all the cash givers. He has a love for money and I thought for sure he would want to spend it, but he's talking about saving up for a large purchase. He doesn't know what he wants yet though.

This picture is compliments of Eli. We were so happy to have Shane home for Eli's Birthday Party. It meant a lot to Eli and I know Daddy's don't like missing birthdays. Not bad of a picture Eli! What this doesn't show is Shane's 'back to P90x' body, and my 'big pregnant belly' body. Next time Shane comes home I'll get a couple good pictures of each of us.