Avoidance in Anger

Levi July 2010 (I think)

So I've been avoiding this post because I'm still angry. Levi, after you were born I had felt the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. I was hospitalized for a week, then unable to walk for a couple weeks, then in a walker for a couple weeks. To this day, I still have pain in my hips now and then and need to take it easy. With my frustration, I failed at a lot of things. I didn't take many pictures of you. I missed your picture of the day you went home. I never took a picture of your crib set up for you. I haven't even started your baby book. (I have very few things even written down about your growth progress and just everyday life.) I am so sorry. I was suffering from depression for a little while. I was so motivated to start working our 6 weeks to the day after you were born, and be awesome at the baby book and taking pictures. I was ready to get my life balanced with you and be back on track. Well, love, you're about 10 months old and I am just gaining back my emotional and mental strength. I am going to do my best to collect pictures and finish your scrap book up to current by the time your first birthday rolls around. I know that you started crawling at 5 1/2 months old. You could sit up by 6 1/2 months old. You played peek a boo at 7 months. You have been off and on for sleeping through the night since birth. You used to love the pacifier, then you quit taking it one day around 4 months. You can't handle loud noises. You freak out if people are yelling at each other or chearing for the sports game. You pulled yourself up to walk at about 7 1/2 months. You got your first tooth November 24th, the second November 25th, the third and fourth teeth on December 5th. Your brothers swear you have spoken saying Ma Ma, Da Da, Elijah, Jacob, and Hi. You said Da Da January 5th and Ma Ma January 11th. You just started to understand when I reference things like Dino(Dinosaur learn to walk toy), Food, Ba Ba or Mama Dean(mama's milk), Da Da, and brothers. I did get a picture of your first times sitting up on your own and pulling up to stand on my phone.

Levi Barely holding yourself up September 2010

Levi October 2010

Levi First time pulling yourself up to walk November 2010

Levi in Patty's Horsey bouncer August 2010

Levi Asleep at the Stimmel's house November 3rd, 2010

The Light... It IS at the end of the tunnel right?

It's funny how we think of life sometimes. It was so nice spending time with friends tonight. We decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love together. Well, the idea was to read the book then talk about it, eat dinner, and watch the movie. Most of us skipped the book entirely and just watched the movie and boy did we talk. It was still enlightening. Eat, Pray, Love wasn't my favorite book, or movie for that matter, but we all had a nice night. Getting together with these beautiful ladies engaging in uplifting conversation helped me to remember a few things. First and foremost was that I need to be able to be more internally spiritual. Second is that life happens. Lastly, that we all can choose to be happy in any situation.

I have been dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's when it comes to religion, but I haven't been reading between the lines. I guess I feel like I've focused so much on showing my children how to pray, that I've almost forgotten how. I go through the motions but my mind is rushing about what to say to teach or who needs to do what after the prayer. I'm saying the words but not truly madly deeply from my heart and soul. My new goal is to be absolutely a teacher by example. I will pray on my knees, humbly before my Heavenly Father and choose to be completely involved.

Life happens. It is the only way to explain hardship without adding a why. The word happens may not even be the proper term because happens means: to come to pass by chance; occur without apparent reason or design Okay, now I'm convinced it's not the right word. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. He includes the hardships we face in life, in that plan. Life is just a step in the Plan of Salvation. Of course! Life doesn't just HAPPEN, life is a STEPPING STONE.

A wise young mother once told me (Okay it was Leah Stimmel and she said it just tonight.) that people can choose to be happy in a miserable situation, or they can choose to be miserable in a happy situation. The problem that I always have is that I forget. I forget that even that takes a lot of work. We need to find what makes us happy and enjoy, find what makes us upset and figure out how to deal with it, spend time with our children, and remember to always know our spouses. We can create our happiness in a proactive way instead of waiting for happiness to just fall in our laps.

I think what I realized were some steps to finding myself again. I am very happy, but sometimes I lose sight of things and don't allow my life to balance. I don't need to leave my children, divorce my husband, or travel abroad to find myself. I love the way I feel when I am fully engaged in what I am doing, so I need to remember what I love to do and what I am passionate about. I love the way I feel when I dance, create art, and sing. I just need to bring more things that I love into the LIFE that I love.