The pain

The pain started so mellow. It wasn't so bad. It was so uncomfortable, but there was no time to worry about it. A new baby boy was so precious in my arms. It hurt to lay down. Pain. Pain in my hips. I can deal with it. Things need to get done. I hold a sweet baby. More pain. I feed the calm soothing baby while trying to fight minor complaints slipping from my lips. Standing up, sitting down, laying down, walking... no position can escape it. I took pills to stop the pain, to numb the pain, to eliminate the pain. No escape. It hurts even worse now. I can't stand on my own. I feel so helpless and frustrated. Call someone. A doctor. Please find a doctor. I can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes. I need to get help. Please stop the pain. It's like someone staked down my legs at the hips with thick daggers. From the surface, through the flesh and muscle of my hips coming through the back of my legs. Please... please stop the pain. My throat begins to feel tight and I can't stop the wimpering, then crying, then wailing, and now screaming! PLEASE! I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN! I feel like I'm losing. My body hurts. I have no control. I need a doctor! It hurts so bad! We get there and through the moving from chair, to chair, to car, to bed. The pain is worse. The daggers are twisting and turning. It feels like my bones are splintering. KILL THE PAIN PLEASE!!!! Oh.... It might be over soon. The heavier drugs are working. YES! Resting for just a moment. What is that?!? No! NO! No, no, no. Please. I don't want to feel that pain again. NO! The pain is starting again. The drugs wearing off. NO! No, please. I can't lose. Let me beat the PAIN! NOOO! It hurts. Tears are flying from my eyes like birds diving, skimming the contours of my cheeks. The screams rip apart my lips. I can't stop it. I hurt. I'm losing! I have no control! Helpless. I hate that feeling of being helpless. Needing to be carried to and from the bathroom. Sponge baths in bed. It's humiliating. It's embarassing. I felt so defeated. Unable to turn at the waist or sit up on my own. I am so grateful that my husband was my support, my nurse, and my protector throughout the entire ordeal. I was able to depend on so many people. Thank you Mom, Dad, Patty, Jess, Kristel, Jessica, and Chris for everything. Thank you those who visited me. Thank you those who supported me. Thank you Shane. I love you.